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The Wojak Report

Posted by: Bogon, 30. tammikuuta 2012 klo 15:01 (GMT)

All through January my neighbor's inflatable white golem stood stolidly marking time. His vigil was in vain. Indeed, the neighbor has given up on waiting. Yesterday he replaced the snowman with hearts and flowers. Love may yet triumph where seasonal meteorology failed.

Later this week the groundhog's alarm clock will jangle him awake, and he will stumble out of his burrow sniffing and squinting in the morning light. (I'm a bit out of touch with the local groundhog community, but I think I have a pretty good handle on how things will go.) Chances are good that the groundhog will awaken groggy and irritable after a short, restless hibernation. Thursday's forecast calls for sunshine and shadows. His shadow will surely be among the first things the poor rodent will see, as soon as he can focus his bleary eyes.

Given this sequence of events, the traditional formula augurs another six weeks of winter. Only this year we're going to have a problem. It's not winter now. There was never a first six weeks. We went straight from autumn to January thaw, with no perceptible December freeze to mark the transition. As far as predicting spring goes, the groundhog will be presented with a fait accompli. 'Spring' is as good a name as any for what's happening now. Days are lengthening. Flowers are blooming. Buds are swelling on the trees.

It must be presumptuous and premature to consign the venerable Groundhog Day myth to the middens of history based on the vagaries of a single season. Yet I imagine that a shrewd and provident rodent cannot help feeling nervous under the circumstances. If this trend continues, he's going to be out of a job.

What will he do?

He could go down to the unemployment office, stand in line until his number comes up, then fill out the forms. Somehow I don't think Wojak will be content doing the bureaucratic shuffle. He's got that whole rustic, outdoorsy thing going on. Queuing up for the public dole is not his style.

He could seek employment elsewhere, but what career opportunities await an ex-weather legend? Teevee weatherman? Entertainer for the kiddies down at the theme park? I don't think our protagonist is going to like the hours. After all, he's used to showing up for work one day per year.

Maybe he can capitalize on his celebrity by touring, signing autographs, and making occasional speeches. He can write his memoirs and do book signings. But what happens when his five minutes of fame inevitably come to an end? In a few years he's going to meet kids who no longer remember the good old days...

Like Frodo and Leif Ericsson before him, he could simply sail off into the sunset.

Alas, you have to be a resident of the Left Coast to do that. This is a picture of a sunrise right here, taken the last time I ventured in sight of an ocean. Out west there are no groundhogs. They have marmots instead. I've seen 'em, and they look like groundhogs to me.

I reckon it's a lifestyle thing.

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Updated: 30. tammikuuta 2012 klo 15:21 (GMT)

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Brand Spanking New Year

Posted by: Bogon, 6. tammikuuta 2012 klo 18:46 (GMT)

Here we go. It's 2012.

This is not an average year. It's what I like to call an aggravated year. The year will not pass quietly. There's going to be a lot going on. Here's a list of some of the more obvious things that spring to mind.

It's an election year. Watch out, the politicians are coming. Check your wallet.

It's a leap year. This year will be a day longer than usual. Can't wait.

It's an Olympic year. That's generally a good thing, but it comes on top of everything else. Everybody pile on. Remember, the judges will be awarding style points.

Sandiquiz points out that Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate the 60th year of her reign soon. Did I mention that the summer Olympics will be held in London? If you're an Anglophile, you'll have two reasons to visit.

The sun is nearing the peak of its eleven-year cycle. We can expect lots of sunspots and coronal mass ejections. Maybe a magnetic storm will take out a transformer near you.

For those of you who were looking forward to a peaceful new year, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Try again in twelve months.

As for the rest of us, onward and upward, eh? The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be done.*

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* Except it doesn't really work that way, does it? A year takes a year (plus a day, in this case) no matter how you go about it. Very well, then. Keep slogging.

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Updated: 6. tammikuuta 2012 klo 19:10 (GMT)

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